What I Thought Therapy Was
The question: What did I think therapy was, and what did it actually turn out to be?
I didn’t know what to expect from therapy when I was first introduced to it as a kid. At that time, I’m sure I thought something like “There’s something wrong with me, and this will fix that.” To be honest, I don’t really remember much of those early experiences, but I do remember feeling hopeful.
As a child, I thought “being fixed” meant becoming less needy, and perhaps less me, because who I was wasn’t the idea of who I should be that my parents held. I thought that by going to therapy, I’d become a perfectly acceptable version of myself. It’s worth noting though, that those beliefs were largely influenced by the environment I was growing up in. Something certainly worth exploring…in a future post.
Fast-forward to adulthood. In Post 1, I mentioned a towel sending me mentally. Within a few weeks of that incident, I reached out to a therapy office and was connected with a therapist. It was a brisk spring day, and when I arrived at the therapist’s office late in the afternoon, that expectation of being “fixed” came back. I genuinely thought “This is it. This will be the thing that fixes me.” You know, that if I just did what I was told, I wouldn’t get upset at crooked dish towels anymore. I suppose you could say I had a sense of hope. In what, I’m not entirely sure. All I knew was that I was taking a step towards something different. Little did I know, therapy wouldn’t “fix” me. And that first step? I realize now that it was a step towards discovering the self I lost decades ago.
Clearly, I'm someone who definitely went into therapy looking to be "fixed."
I thought therapy would give me the answers, and if I just had those answers then everything else would make sense and fall into place.
Wrong.
What I learned over time is that therapy would give me the ability to sit with uncertainty, take comfort in being uncomfortable, and perhaps most importantly, build trust in myself.
One of the biggest plot twists for me going back to therapy was learning that it’s not a space where I would be told what to do or given advice. In fact, therapists generally aren’t supposed to provide advice. Rather, they are supposed to serve as a guide or facilitator to clients figuring things out for themselves through questioning and at times challenging, the questionable bullshit you might say. It’s through those conversations that self-trust can grow.
Another thing I learned over time about therapy is that it goes far beyond providing understanding for why you operate the way you do. (Side note: it’s very possible to understand behavior and the patterns we fall into intellectually yet still continue to respond how we always have.) In other words, therapy goes far beyond the what or why, and teaches clients how to operate differently. One way I’ve come to think about therapy is as a space to learn or relearn skills and coping mechanisms. That is, awareness is simply a starting point. True lasting change happens when we move beyond awareness and into the much more uncomfortable territory of looking at who we truly are as a person and working towards becoming better through healing. Because if we’re being honest, what often drives people to therapy is the realization that something isn’t working anymore. That something that once may have served to protect us, is no longer protecting us, but harming us.
Admittedly, when I initially went back to therapy, I desperately wanted to know what was "wrong" with me. I went in wanting some type of diagnosis. Anything. And if I’m being honest, there was a part of me that wanted to feel special. Like an exception. I wanted to be able to say “See! This is why I’m fucked up.”
Therapy may start with a diagnosis, or one may be determined along the way once the therapist learns more about the client. While a diagnosis can offer helpful explanations for and insights into behaviors, we still have to know what to do with that information. In other words, a diagnosis is a starting point, not an ending.
Therapy isn’t about venting, or getting advice. And it doesn’t stop at awareness (at least not if you’re willing to dig deeper), nor is it strictly about getting a diagnosis. What I came to realize over time is that my life was changing in ways I never expected. Those are the stories I want to tell here.
I like to think of going to therapy as being like internal Kintsugi, a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. Yes, it was broken and presumably beyond repair; but with time and patience that piece can be repaired. It doesn't become what it was before it broke. The cracks are still very much there, and the piece is no longer ruined. Both can be true.
I think therapy can be a little like that. The things we've experienced may never completely go away. We may never get to a point where we're 100% never anxious about something, or where a traumatic memory no longer brings up painful feelings. But over time, therapy can lessen the impact those experiences have on us. What once may have felt defining can become something that simply happened to us at some point in time.
The goal of therapy isn't necessarily to become who we were before. It's about coming to terms with who we’ve become and exploring how our past experiences have shaped us. Perhaps most importantly though, therapy is about learning how to move forward as the person we are now.
